Thursday, December 28, 2017

Balancing With Babies & A Monkey On My Back

Sure, monkeys can be cute and all. Sometimes cute like babies.
What's not cute is juggling a baby and a toddler with a monkey affixed to my back constantly punching me in the back of the head ...

That's a lot what this all feels like, postpartum anxiety.
It's pretty nasty.
It's confusing.
It's isolating.
It's mind numbing.

So here I am, ten months postpartum, just trying to live with it & keep a smile on my face so I don't snap at the invisible chimp driving me completely mad.
skip to the bottom if you just wanna see some of the tools I am using right now

I shared a great article last week which pretty accurately describes what I'm actually thinking when you ask me, "how are you doing?".
I wrote, "If you’re a man please read and hopefully understand the potential of what a mother is feeling.
If you’re a woman without children, please and understand motherhood is a miraculous gift but with that gift are some struggles and it’s okay to talk openly about it.
If you’re a mom: please know you are so absolutely far from alone. Don’t think you have to have your shit together all the time. Don’t think that your feelings aren’t validated or real. Please reach out, seek help; know you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

I stand by this, so please give it a read here.

Since having opened up a bit about my own personal mental health issues and postpartum anxiety/depression, I have received quite a bit of messages and encouraging words from other mothers. I'm not sure exactly how this makes me feel. On the one hand, I feel completely terrible that other people have the same consuming, negative, and scary thoughts that I do.
On the other hand, I also feel somewhat relived to not be alone, and thankful to have a platform to share my experience with other moms so they too don't feel so alone. 

I've known for a little while now that I've been dealing with PPA.
I had it after my first baby - though I had NO idea it was a real thing. I 100% thought I was just losing my mind.
So fast forward 2 years when I'm pregnant with number two and I was determined to stop it before it even started. I did borderline obsessive (hello sign #1) research on how to prevent it, how to stop it, and how to manage it. I started yoga, mediation, crystal healing, breathing exercises, acupuncture. I encapsulated my placenta, I ate it raw, I had it made into a tincture. I was well on my way to a happy go lucky, postpartum positivity train!
.... However here I am.

So, what went wrong?


Even typing that out I'm like "yea, okay Ashley". But it's true. Nothing "went wrong". This is simply how my body responds to an insane influx of unregulated hormones. How nursing exclusively (for nearly 4 years now), getting my cycle back, and day to day life stresses affect my body chemistry. That's what this is - body chemistry.
I am not crazy. You are not crazy.

This IS temporary
... as long as it's not ignored and properly dealt with.

So - how am I dealing with it?

Some days are easier than others. Two weeks ago I hit my rock bottom. My PPA was winning, taking over, and a was a crumbling building of rage. I spent my nights in my own head with horrible thoughts, believing them to be true. My greatest fears and worries coming to life in my head.
To be perfectly transparent, it was about 4 AM one morning after not sleeping and the baby was crying. My husband ran into the bedroom after he heard me screaming at her.
That's not me. That's not the mother I am. But it's what I did because I could not control my own emotions and thoughts.

After that day I called my midwives. I knew I needed help but I was still embarrassed to admit it. I made my appointment for my 6 month post op check up - never even mentioned my feelings. Appointment made for a week later.
Two days later, my three year old needed a diaper change and again, I lost it. Completely normal circumstance with a completely unreasonable response. I started crying and immediately called my midwives back asking for an appointment that day.  We had a phone 'appointment' and I set up a  meeting with the psychiatrist the next morning. One of my closest friends came with me and drove my kids around while I sat in the meeting - she knows how leaving my kids is a major issue for me and was an angel for doing this.
My 30 minute appointment ran to about 50 minutes, with promise of a follow up.
A lot goes into my "diagnosis" and my treatment. Yes I have PPA/PPD, but I also have a litany of other mental health issues. Issues that I previously have worked to manage and mitigate, however at this time have reared their ugly heads in my mental state of disarray.
Because of this, medication isn't an option (at this time). I am not opposed to medications for times like this. In fact, I had ever intention of leaving with a script that day.
For now - talk therapy will have to do. And it is.

Sometimes simply saying things out loud can help. Hearing your own voice say the things you think over and over in your head can help. For me - it helps me to see just how illogical and fear based my thought process has been. It doesn't mean I simply ignore the old thoughts, but I do feel like I WILL be able to get a grip on them and once again overcome them.
The monkey is still there, gripping on to my back, however he's let up on the head banging a bit.

Along with weekly therapy, I have started to focus on my health. Part of my PPA makes it near impossible to care for myself - so I have to consciously make the decision to shower, eat, drink water, and attempt to do something that I want to do a few days a week. It sounds silly to some, I'm sure, but to me this is quite the lofty task. I've begun taking the supplement 5-HTTP, keeping up with my prenatal vitamins and supplements to help with my degenerative discs. More Pain = More Anxiety = More Rage and no one wants that.

The psychologist and I are working on a plan for me. Admitting I need help is far from easy, and I still like to pretend I am fine some days, but it's also such a crucial step to my "recovery". Simply doing something about this is breaking the cycle, which for right now is a huge win for me.

Here are some of the resources* I am utilizing right now.
**Please discuss any supplements with your doctor before trying**
There are some that will have adverse efects depending on the person, so I cannot stress this enough.

* affiliate links

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Self Reclamation Proclamation

I'm sure most of you are familiar with Marilyn Monroe's famous words,
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best".

I've been thinking a lot about this; but in my head I replace the word 'handle' with 'love'. And rather than directing the statement to someone else in my life, I have been directing at myself.

Over my years, I have struggled immensely with self love and acceptance. Perhaps from being the tallest girl in my class since before I can remember, needing a full on bra by the fourth grade, criticism from family members on my looks, or bullying in school - I never really got to a point where I was comfortable in my own skin. In college, I would run to Walmart to pick up the
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition so I could cut out the models and tape them all over my house. "#Fitspo", I called it.
That's not inspirational. That's not healthy. That's not motivating. The girls in the picture rarely look like that in real life thanks to photoshop edits. Starving myself to lose 30 pounds between Christmas and Spring Break was far from healthy.

It's quite the cycle, when you don't simply love yourself; you pick yourself apart, decide to stop eating to look better (that obviously fails), food becomes a comfort, you overeat, you wind up more unhappy and uncomfortable. Sound familiar?

This cycle came to a stop for me after I had my first daughter in 2014. I felt raw and vulnerable, but at the same time empowered and strong. I had just grown a beautiful, healthy human inside me and delivered her into this world. I better freaking love myself, right?! Not so much.
Shortly after the high of giving birth, I felt really, really empty. I felt lost. I felt naked and like I was in a foreign body. The same body that housed my beautiful baby suddenly became a vacant shell. It was confusing, maddening, and scary. I worked so very hard to lose the baby weight & feel confident in my body.

In just under 10 months I did it. I lost 90 pounds. I reached my ultimate goal of having abs for the first time in my life by my daughters first birthday.
And guess what? I still wasn't happy.
In fact, I was so far from happy I started seeing a therapist weekly, sometimes even more.
The first day I remember her asking me, "Do you think you deserve to be happy?" and just the idea of that question made me so uncomfortable I burst into tears.

Over the next 2 years I worked hard at eating healthy, exercising regularly, caring for my body and trying to stay positive. I really felt like I was happy. I felt like I had finally grown to love my body for what it was. Easy to say when things were on the up and up.

It's easy to love anything when it's doing what you want it to do. It's hard to love something that's fighting you back, acting in ways completely out of your control. This has been my experience over the last 15+ months. My body and mind have been such a battle for me - between my second pregnancy  and gaining the same amount of weight as my first despite valiant efforts to be healthy and fit throughout it, my previa, my csection, the NICU stay, my degenerative disc disease rearing it's ugly head, being unable to mitigate my post partum anxiety & depression through exercise, embarking on a Total Elimination Diet to heal my new baby, and then complete nutritional chaos once that was over ....
Between factors completely out of my control (and some self induced sabotage) things have been far from perfect or ideal and I've found it once again a brutal struggle to love myself and this body I am in.
How unfair is that? I love myself when I'm happy and fit but not when I am struggling and in recovery?
I call bullshit.

It's time for me to do some serious soul searching. To love everything I am: the good & the bad, the fit & the chubby, the happy & the not so happy. I need to learn to love the me who teaches 12 bootcamp classes a week and also the me who's spinal arthritis makes it hard to stand up straight. I need to learn to love not just the me who can cook and host a killer Thanksgiving dinner but also the me who struggles to get dinner on the table every night. To love the me with a six pack and skinny jeans in a size I never thought I'd see & the me who struggles to lose the 65+ pounds of baby weight. I want to learn to love myself and all the seasons of me that comes with.

Damn - If I can't handle MYSELF at my worst, who am I to deserve me at my best?

It's time I love the shit out of me, regardless of any and all circumstances. That started last week with admitting I am not okay and do need professional help for my mental state. Postpartum anxiety and depression are a real bitch and shouldn't ever be taken lightly. I am thankful to have such amazing resources to turn to in dark times like this.

The feeling of relief and knowing I can get through this has really motivated me to look at my life as a whole. Do some evaluating of the things I can and cannot control. 2018 will be the year I reclaim my body, mind and soul. It is mine. It is the only one I have in this life.
I encourage you to follow along and join me in my quest for self love, acceptance, and happiness.

xx Ashley

Friday, December 1, 2017

25 Days of Kindness

Happy December!

This month is so magical to me: the close of the year, reminiscing on everything that's happened over the last twelve months, thinking about how to show the ones closest to me how much I love them, Holiday decorations that warm my heart, crisp air with the promise of snow flakes ... I can go on and on.
I absolutely love this time of year!

To be perfectly honest, I've meant to get this post done for about a month but #MomLife...

Every December the stores stock up on Advent calendars, and 25 Days of Christmas (insert activity here) is all the rage. This year, my oldest is three and just beginning to understand the holiday season, especially with everyone asking what she wants for Christmas this year. We've talked about making a Christmas list and talked about the spirit of Christmas, but my girl - just like her mama - learns by DOING. I grew up where community service was just part of my childhood. We were by no means wealthy, but doing something for the good of others can cost literally nothing while putting a smile on someone else's face. I loved it and that love for helping others has stuck with me to this day.

Today's kids are so wrapped up in the hot new "it toy" & the flashing lights and bright colors of the season, I see it with my daughter and she is only three!
So what's a mom to do?

This year, I'm implementing a new type of advent calendar.  A 25 Days of Kindness countdown. 25 days of giving back, in some way shape or form. It doesn't have to be extravagant, expensive, or completely time consuming. But I do want it to take enough time each day that my daughter remembers it and hopefully even looks forward to it. I've wanted to do this since 2014, the year she was born, and this year I'm diving in.

My dream is that she actually enjoys this, as I do. That she makes better choices the whole year because of this. That when she is older, she uses her time & resources to do something for others and one day hopes to instill that service upon her own children.
... although I suppose I should just focus on today and not worry about that too much just yet #SmellTheRoses

Each day I will post a random act of kindness that we are going to do that day, with the hashtag #SpreadCheer. I invite you to follow along here, and join in on this too!


Smell the Roses

“Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses”

I feel like this may be my motto for 2018. 

So often I get wrapped up in the future, be it personal goals, events, or simply just time. I try to live passionately & not take a single day for granted, yet in doing so sometimes I miss out on the moments. 
Once I get to my figurative destination, I’m mentally checking out of there and into my next plan attempting to make it perfect....
I want to slow my mind down. I want to enjoy the days’ activities whole-heartedly. I want to peacefully chill out and smell the damn roses without worrying about where and when the next flower blooms. ✌


Saturday, November 4, 2017

Wellness for the Holidays


Did you know, the average woman gains 7 - 10 pounds this time of year? Come January, so many of us are totally burnt out and miserable … not a way to ring in the New Year now is it? 

Let’s take a pledge, together this Holiday season. Let’s take a pledge to stay in balance, a pledge to keep our health and wellness a top priority during a time notorious for expanding waistlines and a litany of illnesses.
#WellnessForTheHolidays will become our tribe. We will push one another not to give up, not to give in, but also to enjoy each moment of life. We will live, sweat, nourish, & love.

For those who don't already know my story; I was always the "bigger" girl, the girl who thought killing myself at the gym and eating next to nothing would get me the body of my dreams... Turns out NONE of that was true.
A support group to help me stay consistent in 30 minute workout from home with my newborn, meal prepping and consuming more food than I ever imagined possible on a "diet" & a serious quest for self love is precisely how I have found success on my personal weight loss journey. This is how I stay MOTIVATED! This is how I lost 90 pounds in 2014 in just ten months!!
A community of support which quickly develops into a Fit Family ❤️ I am so ready to do this again & kick some booty with you!

Did you know 82% of people who start a health & wellness program WILL NOT FINISH IT on their own? Crazy, right!?
What does that mean for you? In order to GET RESULTS, you need an accountability group - a place to plug into daily for support, motivation, tough love & tips. And, you support. You need to know you are NOT even the slightest bit alone. We are all in this together.

We kick off on Monday, November 6th. We will be together through all the ups and downs of the next few weeks - the in laws, the food temptations, the shopping, the stress & the colder weather. We will be together to help make one another better. This is NOT just about working out and eating smaller portions.
This group is about improving upon ourselves from the inside out. We will commit to starting off our day with gratitude, moving our bodies every day, stretching and recovering our bodies and minds, fueling our body with optimal, nutrient dense foods but allowing ourselves to LIVE and enjoy special treats with our loved ones.
We will work together to change our mindset from negative to positive - and experience the mind/body correlation. We WILL get results. That is a non-negotiable we have made with ourself.

Are you human? Great! You're a great candidate ;)
Seriously though, this is open to anyone!
  • If you're a fitness buff who wants to try something new, join us!
  • If you're a busy mama who can't find time to hit the gym or plan out meals for your family, join us!
  • If you're a college student looking for a quick workout in a small space, join us!
  • If you've never worked out a day in your life and live on fast food but WANT to make a change, JOIN US!
This challenge is for ANYONE who WANTS to make a change and is ready to COMMIT to make a change in their mind & body.

By committing to this group, you will receive entrance to a safe, positive place for us women to connect, inspire, share & love. We I will provide you with a meal plan options, a grocery shopping list of approved foods, workouts that start at just 22 minutes (yes, that's all I do!), but most importantly unconditional support.

I'll also be giving you some of my self-confidence and empowerment tips that I do for myself each day & learning how to implement them in your own life☀️✌️✨
This is more than just a fitness group. This is a life makeover and if you are ready, I am SO ready to do this with you.

You will need a Wellness Bundle to maximize results and get the most out of this group. This includes a 12 month subscription to stream over 600 workouts from any mobile device and/or smart tv, a meal plan & meal prep tools, a 30 day supply of nutrient rich superfoods, access to my one on one coaching and private FB group for support, growth, and accountability.
Yes, this is an investment. This is a means to change your life. To become what you've grown to think is impossible. To LOVE yourself & your life!

19 years old V 27 years old
You can contact me directly by emailing with the subject line “Wellness For The Holidays”. If you are ALL in (and aren’t currently already working with a coach) you can opt for the full Wellness Bundle here.
I can’t wait to lead us this season. I can only hope you are as excited as I am! Let’s change the course of this year and head into 2018 empowered!
~ Ashley


Monday, July 31, 2017

t o p   1 0   d a i r y   f r e e   f a v s

There are copious amount of reasons for which a person may choose to eliminate dairy from their lives. For me, I first cut it out in 2008 after reading Skinny Bitch (find it here) and going vegan overnight. I remained a vegan until late 2013 when I got pregnant with Isabella and essentially developed a frat-boy mentality about food – which I highly recommend against doing …


When Isabella was 3 months old, she was diagnosed with a milk protein allergy. From 3-12 months, while she was exclusively breastfed, I was fully dairy free. 
Cutting dairy is 100 million times easier when it’s for your baby, that I can promise you. 
I stopped the moment she was diagnosed, riddled with guilt. I felt as though I had been poisoning her all this time. Obviously that’s not the case, but mother’s guilt is fierce and knows no bounds. 

** If your breastfed baby has a milk protein allergy – please know that you are not a bad mom AT ALL for their pain. You are not a bad mom if going dairy free is out of the question or not working out for you. But I do urge you to try, and maybe you’ll find that YOU TWO feel a lot better after ditching the dairy! **

I was told an infant milk protein allergy is very uncommon and occurred in under 5% of babies.
Fast forward 3 years and I can say, without a doubt, ALL babies  - scratch that -

some just don’t exhibit drastic visible effects, like:
weight gain
increased cravings
sinus issues
poor sleep quality
c a n c e r

oh wait....
don't worry, there's more on that, later …

My experiences in life, and particularly as a mama, lead me to a very low dairy diet.
We never have cow's milk or cheese in the house, but we all enjoy some pizza 
I mean hello we live in NY!
ice cream, and Mexican Food on occasion. Before getting pregnant again, I did a round of Whole30 (get it here!), which is totally nondairy. I always felt so good when not eating it! Of course, Baby D has a major issue with dairy, along with MANY other GI issues. So dairy free I am yet again!

Without getting too much more into the WHY behind Ditching the Dairy (blog post coming soon!)
I wanted to share my Top 10 Dairy Free Favs to help ease you into it, without feeling  deprived! 
I hope you enjoy the list and hope it helps you!
(links provided below!)

-8- Lara Bars
-9- Nutritional Yeast 

* I am in no way a medical professional and do not attempt to make medical claims. My opinions are my own and you should consult a medical professional when making any decisions about your own health

Monday, July 10, 2017

NERD ALERT: I love nutrition/health/wellness documentaries. 
Oooooh but I love them so much! 

Once my girls are in bed, this is what I do. 
I love learning.
I love hearing different ideas and opinions.
I love hearing/seeing/reading something that sparks me to do my own research. 
I also love disagreeing with information presented to me 
and being able to back up my reasoning with sound research. 
(insert What The Health here)

*     *     *     *

So much of my life I can look back on and see how nutrition and environment plays a part. 
Over the last few years, I personally have been able to successfully manage a litany of health issues that I have. 

postpartum hormonal shifts 
weight gain
blood pressure

My dad lived for 12 years after being diagnosed with stage IV Hodgkin's Disease - a feat unexplained my his oncologists other than nutrition and wellness. 
Now with Baby D having so many issues with her gut health, food intolerance, and infant colic - my thirst for knowledge has expanded even more.

Lucky for me (& for you if you're into this sort of thing!),
Netflix has some awesome & fairly easy to watch documentaries in their que! 

I wanted to put together a list for anyone looking to get their Know-On from home without feeling overwhelmed by the heavily scientific nature some films take on. I hope you get a chance to watch these & please let me know your thoughts!


1. That Sugar Film

2. In Defense of Food

3. Food Matters

4. Fed Up

5. Forks Over Knives

like this post? watch any of the films?
Comment below and let me know! 

Friday, June 23, 2017

Healthy Homemade Lara Bar Bites

h e a l t h y   h o m e m a d e   l a r a b a r   b i t e s 

When you're dealing with food allergies, it can be really tough. It's hard to find things that you can say you "indulged" a bit. When said food allergies are those of a 3 month old infant, it can be extra tough, coupled with being completely nerve wracking and heartbreaking. 

Baby D has some intense food intolerances/allergies. 
For those who may not be familiar (and hopefully you never are), infants with food allergies may experience general fussiness, gas pains, reflux, colic, failure to thrive, and in severe cases (like ours) visible blood in their stools. 
... like I said, heartbreaking

Often times, if the mama decides to continue breastfeeding, cutting out dairy will do the trick. The milk protein in dairy products has proved to be incompatible with both my girls causing all symptoms listed above. But with Baby D, the list goes on:
possible tree nuts
... & more

Knowing your baby is in pain, and that your liquid gold is the culprit, is truly gut wrenching. It's something I am working on coming to terms with. 
But first - major nutritional overhaul time. 

I am now on an "Elimination Diet" of sorts, as my fellow Milky Mama's may have heard before. This diet consists of some fruits, some veggies, and some meats, plus yams. It's honestly a lot like Whole30 (read about my experience with Whole30 here:
It's been 1 week and I do believe we are seeing some changes in her, for the better.
hmmm or maybe we are all just used to the cries of a colicky baby?

Either way, I am committed to getting this squared away and my baby happy! Thankfully weight gain has not been an issuem as she's over the 50th percentile for weight.
...which as an exclusively breastfed, NICU - preemie, makes this mama super proud!

My determination to exclusively breastfeed her has essentially led me on a lifelong quest for superior, holistic-based, health .... but more on that, later! 


Last week we made our weekly shopping trip to Whole Paychecks; oops, I mean Whole Foods. I wanted to try out some allergy approved meal bars to help keep my calories up through the day without having to put the baby down and cook something. 
Low and behold, I found a ton! 
In fact, I was so impressed I think I'm going to write 
another post on my fav meal replacement/snack bars if anyone would want that ...

Unfortunately, Baby D seemed to react to whatever was in them. 
Sad day for this mama.  

My family still loved the idea of snack bars though, so I decided to try my hand at making my own. I've heard they were easy and much more cost effective to do on your own, yet this was something I hadn't tried up until this week. 
 It's totally easier. 
It's totally more cost effective. 
And they're totally just as delish.

And the cool part is you have total control over what flavor you want!
These were really basic, just some chopped nuts. 
To spice them up, you can add things like nut butters, coconut, greens, organic extracts, coffee, chocolate chips (get my fav allergy free chips here), cherries, pineapple, apple, whatever you're craving!

Simple Homemade LaraBar Bites
2 cups dates (pits removed)
1 cup almonds
2 tsp organic vanilla extract
1 TBS water

Throw all ingredients in high power blender (I used my Vitamix). 
Pulse until it forms a large lump of "dough".
From here you can roll onto a pan lined with parchment paper and slice into bars & place in fridge for a few hours to set.
OR simply roll into balls like I did because that's way easier 
and less time consuming #MomLife

That's it! 
Like I said, super simple, way more cost effective (you get about 8-12 depending on how thick you want them), and easily customizable with ingredients you most likely already have on hand. 
Win win win.

xx Ashley

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